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Side Effects

my heart now has an engine that kicks in when my lungs won't work. my hands get cold and sweaty, i feel my body's every nerve. i never feel alone. you're showing up in all of my dreams. why can't i close up all my windows, lock the doors and feel at peace? 'cause all i ever wanted was to satisfy you. all you ever did was try to magnify my every move. i never thought that leaving you could take me so damn long. every time i think of you, i still feel so damn small. i'm still stuck in all your patterns, paranoid around my friends. i feel the eggshells on my feet, i choose my words and watch them land. and your words appear like weeds, i'm ripping them right from the root. but it's terribly exhausting, how long 'til they're all removed? 'cause all i ever wanted was to satisfy you. all you ever did was try to magnify my every move. i never thought that leaving you could take me so damn long. every time i think of you i still feel so damn small. they say that time is healing, i'm feeling all the side effects. i barely feel i'm human. i'm not sure how to let love in. all i ever wanted was to satisfy you. i wish that i had known i couldn't satisfy you.
©2019

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Heavy As Stone

i've escaped to some place. i feel fast asleep while awake. these sheets consume me, the world beyond them vacant and bleak. and i'm heavy as stone. i might as well keep my eyes closed to shun this depression creeping in. its leaves weaving into the walls of my mind like a sly ivy vine. before i know it, it's long overgrown and it covers me up, it closes me in, and i cannot feel a thing. would i miss myself, if i could recall how that felt? 'cause now, i can't discern words. the past, present, and future are blurred. it's just noise, i'm just bones. i might as well keep my eyes closed. but for a minute, i'm home. my body's my own. i open my eyes and all i see is the damage i've done, that who i've become is all that I'll ever be. and i'm heavy as stone. i might as well keep my eyes closed. i am this depression creeping in. its leaves weaving into the walls of my mind, like a sly ivy vine. before i know it, it's long overgrown and it covers me up, it closes me in, and i cannot feel a thing.
©2017

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If I Miss You Sometimes

you're just a scent i can smell from time to time. the thought i think when i'm not thinking at all. you're the faded ring my coffee leaves behind. i'll wipe you away for twenty-four hours or so. but don't get me wrong, i am doing just fine. it's not like i sit here and wait here for you to re-enter my mind. but is it alright if i miss you sometimes? you are faint like a whisper, but linger like a shirt string. you're the gap between songs and my small talk's punctuation. and you're still the name i wish for whenever the phone rings. but if the phone rang, i wouldn't dare to answer it. 'cause don't get me wrong, i am doing just fine. it's not like a sit here and wait here for you to re-enter my life. but is it alright if i miss you? sometimes, i feel ashamed you're even a fraction of my day because i am so much happier now, than when we ended things. but every once in a while, i let myself rewind to feel the way it felt when you were someone else. but don't get me wrong, i am doing just fine. it's not like a sit here and wait here for you to re-enter my mind. but is it alright if i miss you sometimes?
©2015

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You Only Want Me When You're Drunk

i knew you'd be here. i thought i'd prepare to turn you away, and avoid more mistakes 'cause we've made enough. since we fell out of love. but then we start sipping, laughing, dancing. we sit and we chat, taking shots at the past 'til we forget that things had ended bad. i know what you're doing, but not what i'm saying 'cause you know the last call will be your last. 'cause you only want me when you're drunk. i only hate you when i'm sober. wasted nights for wasted time. pretending that this isn't over. but if you keep looking at me like that, then keep in touch with your friend, Jack. and keep on filling up my cup. come on and drink up. my hands on your waist, yours on my back. i can't feel my legs and i'm biting my lip as your words tease my neck. i want all this back. so i taste that whiskey on your lips, its aged like desire i've had to do this for two years now. has it been two years now? 'cause this feels like old times and you're looking damn fine but any minute now, you'll be cashin out. 'cause you only want me when you're drunk. i only hate you when i'm sober. wasted nights for wasted time. pretending that this isn't over. but if you keep looking at me like that, then keep in touch with your friend, Jack. and keep on filling up my cup. come on and drink up. we cannot make this work if it takes some numbing for you to see my worth. we can't make it right, but maybe we could try to make this last night one hell of a good time. 'cause you only want me when you're drunk. i only hate you when i'm sober. wasted nights for wasted time. pretending that this isn't over. but if you keep looking at me like that, then keep in touch with your friend, Jack. and keep on filling up my cup. come on and drink up.
©2015

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Ache for Sunrise

these sable nights are getting so damn cold. i'm wide awake and feeling so alone as the hours seize my bones, i cant keep my eyes closed. so i take a minute just to slow it down but phantom thoughts come up from underground and resurface themselves: my worries and my doubts. i'm peace-deprived because one senseless soul, after petty lies, is still so beautiful. and the moon seems to provoke a mess of words i should have spoke. and i'm more grieved than you could ever tell, for wasting pennies on a wishing well when i could be rich by now, and time is too brisk to count. i'd give anything to fall asleep tonight. just for a couple hours to flee my lethal mind. but even dreaming feels way too real. i think too much. i start to feel that maybe i'm okay, then i'm corrupted by the thought of change and what agony it is to hate someone you miss. but all of these scars will turn to tales of pride when all of the bleeding finally subsides. i'm apathetic and tired of being afraid to feel desire. i'd give anything to fall asleep tonight. just for a couple hours to flee my lethal mind. but even dreaming feels way too real. i think too much. and i crave that morning bird's song that claims that this night is long gone 'cause i feel helpless, and abandoned, forsaken, empty-handed and i'm paralyzed by this ache for sunrise. ever think the stars are broken dreams? past mistakes and opportunities that we let slip away, capsized by the day. i'd give anything to fall asleep tonight. just for a couple hours to flee my lethal mind. but even dreaming feels way too real. i think too much.
©2012

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Virtual Reality (#outofcontrol)

well, i won't lie, it's irritating, truly devastating to witness this society's fatal crash. all interaction is devoured, every minute, every hour spent staring at a pricy piece of glass. i know your plans, what you ate, what you wore, i know your face and every thought sent to that bluebird of destruction. but if in person, i ran into you, i wouldn't have the slightest clue. solitudes a victim of corruption. oh would someone save our souls? oh this is #outofcontrol. relationships obsessive, texting back and forth excessively, you don't even get a chance to try to miss them. plus trust is hypothetical, we're easily susceptible, we can edit what we say before send. but where's the laughing, and the dancing, blasting love songs in the kitchen? instead of grinding on some stranger in a club. back when "women were respectable" and "turn up was a vegetable" and people weren't afraid to fall in love. oh would someone save our souls? oh this is #outofcontrol. and i know, i sound hypocritical right now. but i'll fully admit that i am brainwashed as well. 'cause i wake up, and check my feed, i let "likes" affect my self esteem and i find myself wishing that the mirrors were lying to me. but i can't stand the pictures i've been seeing, status updates i've been reading the moronic rants and cyber-bullying. abusing people just for fun, it's easy to degrade someone when protected by some miles and a screen. this obstruction of equality, racial slurs, and animosity, if i see "homophobe" again i might explode. there's nothing that's unjust about marrying who you love, by now, "the pursuit of happiness" should be condoned. oh would someone save our souls? oh this is #outofcontrol
©2014

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Molly

her wide eyes alive, the young sunlight blankets her bed. on her shelf sits a jar of the rapture she fears she'll forget. on the pavement, she treads on the jaws that will drop at her sight. but she's humble, and taken by a man who knows luck's on his side. but she sees impurity. she's held together by teeth. and inside, she fights the fiends that she hides, while i always wished that i could be stunning and heavenly, more like Molly. her spirit is armored from the counterfeit crowds she sees through. on one hand, she can name all the ones that she swears to be true. pound for pound in any ring, she is fighting with heart and aggression. she's a quiet assassin, misjudged by dimensions and discretion. but she sees the peril of words. avoids discomfort. her toughest competitor was always her, while i always wished that i could be smart and resilient, more like Molly. her laugh is contagious, illuminating every shadow-sunk face. her eyes, a mosaic of every deep scar, and mortal crusade. she is dripping with passion when she speaks of the minds that she molds. but she, herself falls behind because heavy is a heart of pure gold. and when she turns out the lights at night, she'll quietly cry in spite of the future lives of the ones she loves, while i always wished that i could be selfless and benevolent, more like Molly.
©2014

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Strangers

i woke from a dream, to hiatus and debris and six swords set aflame, that i can't explain. and the wind it screeched, as if reality was skating figure-eights on the glass of my window pane. gripping the scriptures, stripping the pictures, collapsing on the floor and lapsing with the world, i am burdened by the thought that everything is my fault. i'm just the corpse of the girl he once adored. and i wish i didn't crave your touch, or see your face so much in these streets. or hear you whisper in my ear, while i lay here, praying for sleep. because like a doll of pocelain, i sat and watched you change. and now i wish we were strangers. but then again, we are. i struck all my matches. don't you see the calluses from the friction on my skin? reigniting in the wind. reverie is a mirage and loneliness is sabotage, but i can't help the sore chagrin. you ruined everything. i wish i didn't crave your touch or see your face so much in these streets. or hear you whisper in my ear as i lay here praying for sleep. because like a doll of porcelain, i sat and watched you change. and now i wish that we were strangers. 'cause i'm going insane. i hate the sound of your name. its like bitter venom just sitting on my tongue. and i don't want to love again 'cause this song was never meant to be sung. and i wish i didn't crave your touch or see your face so much in these streets. or hear you whisper in my ear as i lay here praying for sleep. because like a doll of porcelain, i sat and watched you change. and now i wish that we were strangers. but then again, we are.
©2013

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Flawless

i should have taken flight from the colder skies like the rational birds. with my throat wound tight, i tried to stitch up our lesions with words. i sat there breaking, just waiting for you to finally turn into a man. watching plans of a vivid life slip right through our jaded hands. you're walking imperfection, woven with inconsistency. so how is it, that you're still flawless to me? you're sparring with your shadow, confused by which arrow turns to truth. when you realized you still have time to make mistakes and blame them on your youth. but this jamais vu, this thought of losing you has me afraid to fall asleep. and kissing the ground where we lay every time yesterday came in with the breeze. and i'm selling bits of my soul to try to make you happy. so how is it, that you're still flawless to me? oh and our candle, my dear, is burning clear at both ends tonight. and though it's darkness i fear, i can't stand to bear your synthetic light. don't do that to me, if i can't be everything you want. save the excuse, the bottom line is you don't hurt someone you love. but these things are never as simple as they seem. because somehow, you are still flawless to me. 
©2014

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Send Me A Sign

i know you through newspaper clippings and pictures of you. through collected words hanging, preserved in fancy framing in the house that you bought. i know you through stories and memories your sons have of you. through the wisdom that they have, the humor of your other half, and the values i was taught. but i'd like to think that you're somewhere above watching over me. and i'd like to hope that you're so very proud of all you see. won't you send me, please send me a sign. i recognize you in the wit of my tongue and the ease of my pen. in my courage and compassion, ambition and aggression when corruption is at hand. but i wish i knew adoring eyes exchanged between Nana and you. i wish i could ask for your advice, comic and concise, and risk sitting in your favorite chair. but i'd like to think that you're somewhere above watching over me. and i'd like to hope that you're so very proud of all you see. can you send me, please send me a sign? although we've said goodbye, you're still very much apart of this life. since i can't box up time, i've written this melody line in case you can hear me. can you hear me? because i'd like to think that you're somewhere above watching over me. and i'd like to hope that you're so very proud of all you see. can you send me, please send me a sign? 'cause i only know you through newspaper clippings and pictures of you.
©2016

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